I think i sorta joined a cult last night
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
