I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
