I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
