Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
