My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
