My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
