I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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