There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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