i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
