Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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