I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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