you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
