I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
