This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
