He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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