She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
did i walk over a car last night?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
