my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
