I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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