hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
