How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
