She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
