So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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