I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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