I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
