My underwear smells like fireworks.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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