the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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