i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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