The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
