party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
