Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
