He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
