The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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