May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
