When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
