bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
