Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
