It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
