Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So much rum. So many feels.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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