i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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