:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
