well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
