I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
