I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
