I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
