Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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