I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.