i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
