Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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