I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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