And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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