i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
