I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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