dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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