alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
