can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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