Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
