hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
