I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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