When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
