I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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